My current time machine: Kona Dawg Supreme

Lyrics:

You bought my life with the
Blood that You shed on the cross
When You died for the sins of men
And You let out a cry
Crucified now alive in You

These hands are Yours
Teach them to serve as You please
And I’ll reach out desperate to see
All the greatness of God
May my soul rest assured in You

I’ll never be the same
No I’ll never be the same

Cause I know that You’re alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I’ll sing to glorify
Your Holy Name
Jesus Christ

You changed it all
You broke down the wall
When I spoke and confessed
In You I’m blessed
Now I walk in the light
In victorious sight of You

Your fire fall down
Fall down
On us we pray
As we seek

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory

I usually ride with friends and/or family, but things did not work out for me to do that this time.  I rode every day, and I rode alone every time.  I know this sounds kind of sad, but looking back I see it was just what I needed.  It gave me time to think about life broadly and specifically: friends to family, work to church, recreation to entertainment–I turned it all (and more) over in my head.

Some people might think I am having a mid-life crisis.  I don’t agree; I think I am coming to terms with Thoreau’s quote: “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

More than any other, this quote challenges me to think about all the “settling” I have done in my life.  From work to church to home to relationships, I have sold out for the safe and easy life.  I rarely put myself in a position where I might face genuine risk.  I really do not like coming to this conclusion.  If I am honest, I have to conclude that I am very much a risk averse person.

I feel like my bike was a time machine that allowed my mind to travel roads familiar and forgotten…and ones still waiting to be discovered.  The problem is I wished I had another week on the time machine to sort all the raw thoughts out.

The biggest thing that I thought about had to do with my job.  I used to teach high school English.  I am now a technical writer working for a government contractor serving technical requirements at a remote sensing facility (i.e., satellite data).  It’s a great job, but like all things a person does for more than a few years, the challenge has faded and the routine has turned into drudgery.  This is especially true when I think how little impact I am having in a lasting way on humanity.  (At least when I was teaching I could see I was helping students become better writers, thinkers, and people.)

As I rode, I kept thinking about whether it was time to move on.  I feel a bit like a sophomore or junior in high school who is pondering their future.  “What should I do with my life?”  My problem / my blessing is that I like pretty much everything I try (as long as it’s in a physically safe setting).

We’ve all been challenged with the question: “If you could do anything in life with no risk of failure, what would you do?”

I pray it’s not a let down to write that in spite of all the raw ideas I had, this question and Thoreau’s quote are what stand out most in my mind.  I did not plot a course for my future (or even find the map for that matter).

Distance and time usually bring perspective to all things.  For the most part, my time away from my “real” life helped clear my mind and refocus my energy, although I am still wrestling with Thoreau’s challenge.

I love the simplicity of this song.

A prayer for San Francisco…

Only Love Remains by JJ Heller

Lyrics:

Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart

Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light

Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

Love Came Down by Brian Johnson

I don’t know if there is such a thing as a “perfect” song, but this song does make for a really honest prayer.

Lyrics:

Verse 1
If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear your voice
I hold onto what is true, though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe

Pre-Chorus
I remind myself of all that you’ve done
And the life I have because of your son

Chorus
Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am yours
I am forever yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am yours
I am forever yours

Verse 2
When my heart is filled with hope, and every promise comes my way
When I feel your hands of grace, rest upon me
Staying desperate for you God, Staying humbled at your feet
I will lift these hands and praise, I will believe

Chorus

Bridge
I am yours
I am yours
For all my days Jesus I am yours
I am yours
I am yours
All my days Jesus I am yours
I am yours
I am yours
All my days Jesus I am yours
I am yours, I am yours forever
I am yours, I am yours forever
I am yours, I am yours forever Lord
I am yours, I am yours forever
I am yours, I am yours forever
I am yours, I am yours forever Lord

Chorus

Lately, I have been asking people who frequently say “sorry” to me that I appreciate their apology, but I will believe them when their actions change.  (Just so you don’t think I am an incredible jerk, I want to clarify that I only challenge an apology when it comes from someone I know (well) who has already apologized to me several times for a similar offense.)

My thinking is that if someone is truly sorry for what they have done, then they will change their behavior.  That all follows logically in my mind; how can someone be truly sorry, if their behavior doesn’t reflect the change?

Anyway, I was offering an apology the other night to a close friend and realized that I was now guilty of the very thing I was just addressing: an apology without a changed behavior.  The voice in my head said, “Gee…looks like you have a similar problem with your follow through too.”  (Sometimes I hate that little voice, but I am grateful that I still hear it.)